MOTHERHOOD: Three Months with August

Dear Gus Gus, Gusters, My Sweet Boy,
We made it to three months together. You giggled for the first time this week and my heart melted all over the place. You finally see me and that eye contact, that acknowledgment is the world. I am grateful everyday to be your mom. Thank you for challenging me in ways I never thought possible and showing me that I am strong and kind and loving.

Reflections on Motherhood

Motherhood is a contradictory existence. My day to day can feel so isolating and yet I know I am not alone. I am forever a member of the fiercest tribe. There is comfort in knowing that moms everywhere have walked this same path. Felt the same sleep deprived sense of hopelessness that creeps in during those bad days. The same tugs on the heart when I have to leave the you for extended periods of time. The same frantic mental decision making and on the fly prioritizing when faced with an unknown quantity of nap time. (To spend it cleaning, prepping, working to whittle away at that never ending to do list? Always. To nap? Rare. To take care of myself? Also rare. To waste time? A frivolous risk, a luxury from another life.) The same jolt that springs my eyes wide open at the tiniest sound of you stirring at 4am. The same resignation when yet another shirt is soiled with spit up or wet with leaky milk. The same exhaustion at the end of a long day when it’s not quite bedtime and I know I have to keep it together just a little longer. The same self criticism and eventual acceptance of our mom bodies, those new aches and pains, the weakened pelvic floor (when I sneeze and don’t pee I consider it a win), our soft jelly bellies that even the strongest athletes struggle to change because breastfeeding is magic and its hormones are powerful. The same worries and doubt, wondering if I am doing enough, doing it right, doing it well. And the same thrilling joys when you learn a new skill, smile at me, talk to me, letting me know that everything is okay.

To all the mamas I know, thank you for being just a text message away. Knowing I’m not doing this alone and that these fears aren’t just my own helps me keep going. I'm proud to be a member of this messy, imperfect, wonderful and loving tribe.

MOTHERHOOD: Two Months with August

Dear Gus Gus,
They were right. Just like that, our second month together has come and gone. In a blink of an eye, our tiny squishy newborn is now a sweet chunky monkey of a baby.

You’re becoming more aware of the world everyday. I watch in amazement as you drink in your surroundings, curious to each new sight and sound. Knowing that it’s just a matter of time before your eyes can truly see me makes my heart flutter.

But until then, I love talking with you, imitating your cute little squeaks, grunts and snorts. I love the way your tiny hands grip on to my clothes and chest. I love giving you baths and singing you silly made up songs. And of course, reading you books. You might not understand the words but I’d like to think you remember. That these little routines mean something. That you feel safe and cozy and at home.

Nothing else in the world can replicate the feeling of making you happy. Chasing your smiles is all I ever want to do and all that always I will do. ♥️

Motherhood: Introducing August

As you may have noticed, things have been quiet over here. But I have a good reason! For the past month, our family (and my world) has been changed by the addition of a sweet little boy. Introducing our son, August Zhen-Yu Emma. Gus was born on March 29, 2018 (he was one week and five days early!) I kept the whole pregnancy and birth off of social media (save for a few posts on my Instagram feed) but now that he's here, I'd love to share my story with you all.

Mornings with Gus + Dad

When I was 29 weeks...

I always come back to this redwood grove, my favorite enchanted spot in forest. When I need inspiration, when I need solace, when I need peace. I've brought many friends to visit as well, to experience a part of my heart. But this particular morning was special. Not because the rain stopped at the perfect time or because the thick soupy fog lingered in the air. But because I brought him. He's been a little secret I've kept tucked away from the virtual world for the past couple of months. But as he grows, I change, physically and mentally. He's given me strength in ways I never thought possible. He's grounded me and reassured me. He’s made me comfortable in my own skin. He's helped me surrender to the wild unknown. I am forever grateful for this journey we've begun together and open myself to the journey that lies ahead. We’re ready to share the world with you, little one. ↟↟↟

To my dearest, most talented Diana Rothery: A million thank you's for capturing this extraordinary time in our life and for making me feel like a magical forest mama.

Becoming a mother...

It’s as if my heart has unlocked another chamber and my capacity to love has increased exponentially. The love I feel for my son is the deepest, fiercest love I’ve ever felt. In those first few days, it hurt, brought me to tears to feel so much. I wasn’t used to the overwhelming weight of it all. This love is immeasurable through time and space. A chemical reaction that began nine months ago at conception. Whose undying fate was sealed the moment his head passed through to the outside world. We are forever bound together by an invisible thread. I know it’s something magical because even in my darkest moments, when I’m frustrated, when I’m exhausted, when he’s frustrated, when he’s exhausted—this love protects us both. A force field, a never-ending spring where gentle, kindness flows. “Love is patient.” I’ve heard that phrase utter during countless wedding ceremonies but only now do I understand its meaning. Thank you, August, for opening my heart and showing me how beautiful the world can be.

One month with Gus

Savor these moments they say. It all goes by so fast. I’ve heard it called “the longest shortest time.” And it’s true. Time bends and stretches with a newborn. Reminiscing about the past and dreaming about the future are luxuries from another lifetime. Days melt together into countless sunrises as the sky shifts from black to blue to white observed from my sleep deprived cocoon. Another morning, another chance to reset and start over. I have good days and bad days. Days where I feel not so much triumphant but almost normal (which doesn’t make sense as I have a new normal, a new identity to become acquainted with), and days where I feel like a complete failure, tears running down my face, dripping onto my milk stained shirt. Weeks feel like months yet this first month has come and gone. Now I measure time between feedings, counting dirty diapers, loads of laundry and watching his little face change day by day. Fuller, rounder, his eyes increasingly open and alert. Being present is all that matters now because nothing has taught me how to live in the moment more than becoming a mother. ♥️