MOTHERHOOD: Eight Months with August

Eight months have flown by! And as it is with motherhood, balancing life and work isn’t always easy, hence the lack of updates. So let’s catch up!

SIX MONTHS

Dear Gusters, I can’t believe it’s been half a year already! You turned six months old on Saturday, the same day as our six year wedding anniversary. To celebrate, we took our first family vacation together and you did great.

You’re more and more rambunctious everyday, babbling and shrieking because that’s the new sound you like practicing (especially when you’re jumping). But without fail, the moment we take you outside, you quiet down so you can take in the world. Your curiosity is so pure and sweet. And your laughter is so infectious especially the silly excited noises you make when you watch light bulbs turn on and off. Mommy and daddy can’t stop marveling at what a good boy you are and how much we love you. Even when you’re being mischievous like getting distracted while drinking your milk or deciding to blow bubbles when you have a mouthful of sweet potato puree. Gus, you’re the best! ♥️

(PS Thank you to “the other Vivian Chen” for his super cute hat featuring a culinary representation of his genetic make up. The cutest!)

SEVEN MONTHS

Dear Gusters, Happy seven months! This was your first Thanksgiving and while you didn’t go out trick or treating, we did dress you up! You really pulled off the aviator and mustache look really well.
PS. You got your first two teeth this month!

EIGHT MONTHS

Dear Gusters, Eight months have flown by and it feels like your first birthday is just around the corner. You’re changing so fast! Everyday you look more and more like a little boy and less like a baby. Your silly personality makes us laugh every day. You’re getting pretty good at eating and like a true hipster, love avocados. You also love jumping and screaming at the cats. You’re super talkative and always need to chime into the conversation. I love watching you learn new skills and explore your world. And that smile of yours never fails to brighten my day. My sweet boy, I’m so grateful to be your mom.

Motherhood: Five Months with August

Dear Gusters, 
My sweet, happy boy, you’re five months old! This past month truly flew by. I can’t believe how fast time is going. And you’re getting so big! I left you for six days to shoot a wedding in Iceland and in that time it feels like you’ve grown exponentially. How did you leap to nine month clothing in a week? Your happiness is a constant and your joyous spirit is infectious. You are our ray of sunshine and I hope that smile and laugh never dims. Thank you for being a never ending source of love and for brightening our days. Thank you for keeping me grounded and for reminding me to be present and live in the moment. Mommy and daddy love you so so much!

Finding Myself Again

I left my milk in Iceland, dumped it into the volcanic soil as I drove the vast stretches of road along the southern part of the island. This was my first trip away from Gus, six full days after five straight months by his side. I cried a bit on the plane ride over, worrying and wondering if he’d be okay without me. And worrying and wondering if I would be okay without him. Life before Gus consisted of a lot more time to myself with solo hikes and road trips. But that felt like a lifetime ago. It had been awhile since I stretched those muscles and I was afraid that being alone would be lonely. But to my surprise it took no time to slip back into this familiar version of myself, the solo adventurer. Wandering around downtown Reykjavík on my own agenda, taking in the scenery as I listened to podcasts while driving to destinations I picked on a whim. But, as I’ve learned on this wild journey called motherhood, you can never go back to the way it was. My mom body still tethered me to my son 4233 miles away. The breast pump became constant reminder that there was a sweet boy at home who relied on me. Every three to four hours, my body told me to stop everything and pump. It didn’t matter if I was halfway to the next epic vista point or soaking in the Blue Lagoon. A full night’s sleep still evaded me as my body would wake up aching, shirt soaked through. My internal clock worked non-stop to make milk full of essential nutrients that would never make it to my son. And so I’d pour this liquid gold down hotel drains or into the earth on the side of the road, all the while trying not to think about how wasteful it felt. This ritual reminded me that it doesn’t matter how far away I am, I’m still Gus’s mom.

MOTHERHOOD: Four Months with August

Dear Gusters, 
My sweet boy, you’re four months old and I can’t believe how lucky I am to be your mom.

Your thousand watt gummy smile and the twinkle in your eyes is instant amnesia for my bad days. It’s a smile that charms everyone we meet. Your delightful personality is coming out more each day.

I love our afternoon chats and especially when you have a new silly sound to share. Thank you for encouraging us to go outside. The fact that you love nothing more than to watch the sunlight filtering through the trees tickles me so much. I’d like to think you’ve got a bit of my tree hugging sensibilities in you. But my favorite thing is your laugh which we hear more and more of each day. Those little giggle fests are everything. We can’t wait to go on more adventures with you!

Reflections on Motherhood

Self care looks different now. Before Gus, self care looked like day long hikes in the woods, morning runs before breakfast and a steady weekly yoga practice. With Gus, self care is whatever brings joy, whatever grounds me, no matter how small. I've redefined what it means to indulge. I’ve redefined what it means to be productive. Watching silly Youtube videos because escapist humor is still effective in small doses. Washing my hair because anything to feel nice is a self-esteem booster. Listening to podcasts while running errands because multitasking doesn’t have to be boring. Going for walks around the neighborhood because fresh air always defeats cabin fever. And most importantly, letting go of work every now and then so I can spend time with other mom friends and their babies. I’m learning that part of self care is freeing myself of past expectations. It may not look the same as it used to but the outcome is still the same. Recognizing, adapting, accepting the new normal.

MOTHERHOOD: Three Months with August

Dear Gus Gus, Gusters, My Sweet Boy,
We made it to three months together. You giggled for the first time this week and my heart melted all over the place. You finally see me and that eye contact, that acknowledgment is the world. I am grateful everyday to be your mom. Thank you for challenging me in ways I never thought possible and showing me that I am strong and kind and loving.

Reflections on Motherhood

Motherhood is a contradictory existence. My day to day can feel so isolating and yet I know I am not alone. I am forever a member of the fiercest tribe. There is comfort in knowing that moms everywhere have walked this same path. Felt the same sleep deprived sense of hopelessness that creeps in during those bad days. The same tugs on the heart when I have to leave the you for extended periods of time. The same frantic mental decision making and on the fly prioritizing when faced with an unknown quantity of nap time. (To spend it cleaning, prepping, working to whittle away at that never ending to do list? Always. To nap? Rare. To take care of myself? Also rare. To waste time? A frivolous risk, a luxury from another life.) The same jolt that springs my eyes wide open at the tiniest sound of you stirring at 4am. The same resignation when yet another shirt is soiled with spit up or wet with leaky milk. The same exhaustion at the end of a long day when it’s not quite bedtime and I know I have to keep it together just a little longer. The same self criticism and eventual acceptance of our mom bodies, those new aches and pains, the weakened pelvic floor (when I sneeze and don’t pee I consider it a win), our soft jelly bellies that even the strongest athletes struggle to change because breastfeeding is magic and its hormones are powerful. The same worries and doubt, wondering if I am doing enough, doing it right, doing it well. And the same thrilling joys when you learn a new skill, smile at me, talk to me, letting me know that everything is okay.

To all the mamas I know, thank you for being just a text message away. Knowing I’m not doing this alone and that these fears aren’t just my own helps me keep going. I'm proud to be a member of this messy, imperfect, wonderful and loving tribe.

MOTHERHOOD: Two Months with August

Dear Gus Gus,
They were right. Just like that, our second month together has come and gone. In a blink of an eye, our tiny squishy newborn is now a sweet chunky monkey of a baby.

You’re becoming more aware of the world everyday. I watch in amazement as you drink in your surroundings, curious to each new sight and sound. Knowing that it’s just a matter of time before your eyes can truly see me makes my heart flutter.

But until then, I love talking with you, imitating your cute little squeaks, grunts and snorts. I love the way your tiny hands grip on to my clothes and chest. I love giving you baths and singing you silly made up songs. And of course, reading you books. You might not understand the words but I’d like to think you remember. That these little routines mean something. That you feel safe and cozy and at home.

Nothing else in the world can replicate the feeling of making you happy. Chasing your smiles is all I ever want to do and all that always I will do. ♥️